No Turning Back
by mercurial2010
Summary: Set after Countrycide. Ianto's POV as Jack finally makes his move. Five short chapters. First Janto fic so Please R&R! (just wanna say thanks to everyone who's favourited and reviewed this recently - love that two years on people are still enjoying it :D)
1. Chapter 1

The first kiss, my first kiss to him was tonight. After we arrived back from the country. It was late, he'd ordered everyone to go home. Bar me, telling me to make him coffee. I'd spent ages making it. Petrified about what would happen when we were alone. Finally abandoned in each others company. I don't think he knows, I really don't think he knows he petrifies me.

Because he's a man, and yet I crave every inch of him. I yearn to feel him, taste him. I crave to watch his face as he comes undone. He's a man and I want him, but I'm not, am I?

And because he's him, because I'm not good enough. Because there is no way that my experience can be a match for his.

And because to think of him is like a balm on my heart. When I think of him it stops the pain and emptiness, just for a moment. For one single second of my day he makes me feel that there is more, and that I'm not alone. But then the guilt comes, and the fear that I'm not good enough, that he won't stay.

And because I have never felt like this about anyone. Yes that's it, what scares me the most. The fact I can't forget him, that he's entirely consumed me. The feeling that he's slowly, softly, ripping me from underneath my feet, making me his.

I walked up the metal stairs to his office with trepidation in every step. My heart had already started beating out of control. I gave him the coffee, and he made some lewd joke that I hated him for. Because that's it, with me and him, we're on a tightrope between love and hate, and I'm scared of which way I fall. I would have said something, but he'd taken my speech away, he hadn't even touched me, and he'd taken my speech away. I couldn't tear my eyes away as I watched him drink, his adams apple bopping as he swallowed the liquid. His eyes were on mine as he drew the cup away. He wiped his bottom lip with his tongue, and I knew then that it was happening. That there was no turning back. I watched as he made his way around the desk toward me. It felt like I was watching in slow motion. He opened his mouth, his teeth and tongue moving together forming a word, I think it was my name, I can't be sure, my heart beat dominated me. I felt the presence of his hand on my cheek before he even made contact. It felt like fire, stung my senses. It felt like the only thing I would ever need. His thumb traced over my lips, sensitising me to only him. And then he waited. And I knew he wouldn't go any further, that he was making the next step mine. What he didn't realise was that I was already his. My actions, my being, is dedicated to him. It wasn't a choice, I wasn't asked, it's what he did to me. I can't remember when or how, his clandestine actions always a mystery to me. But he can turn my body into molten lava with just a touch of his finger tips at my elbow, or the rush of breath on my skin as he stands too close to me, yet not close enough. He's turned my dreams into memories of him, my life into his service. It's the only thing that doesn't bring me pain.

I pushed my lips up to his, and tasted perfume, and sugar. Lisa. I shrank back, disgusted with myself. It was the first time since Lisa, and she was punishing me by being present. I felt a burning in the centre of my gut, guilt. He whispered my name, placing his hand on my shoulder, pulling me back through the flames of my nightmare. Rescuing me, like he did before, and will do again. I pressed my lips to his once more keeping my eyes open. I took in every inch of his face, as my lips registered his taste. I adulated the way the moonlight danced over his eyelids, the way his hair looked as soft as his caress. He tasted of cinnamon, coffee and a taste I couldn't quite remember, but now can't forget. His fingers dented into the skin on my shoulder bone. I can still feel the pressure of them, I'm marked as his. I opened my mouth under his, my tongue licking past his lips, past his teeth. He tasted exquisite, like the first sip of coffee on a bitter cold morning. His tongue melded with mine, and I lost. I was lost in an abyss of his sense, the sight, smell, feel, taste of him. His hands slid down my shoulder, grabbing me pulling me towards him. I hesitated, stupidly. I was scared of what I would feel with his groin pushed up against me. I knew I was already more than half hard. I knew he would be able to feel me. I worried about feeling him, and was scared of what he would make of me.

I was stupid, it was the most amazing feeling in the world, his need pressed into mine. My desire sensing his, fuelling his, fuelling mine in return. It was Indescribable. I swallowed his moan as my hands made there tremulous way to his body.

He pushed me away from him then. Suddenly his hands were on my chest, and he was pushing me back, hard. He could barely look at me. His words now add to my pain, my over-whelming feeling of desertion.

"Go home, Ianto".

Maybe he realised I had given him all I had to give and that he wouldn't be satisfied. Maybe it wasn't his moan I had swallowed, but my own. Whatever the reason I am going to make sure that it doesn't happen again. I don't want him, I can't. I'm not gay, so I can't. This is the last time I remember that kiss.


	2. Chapter 2

What a stupid promise? He's been on the back of my mind all week. All day every day. Whenever I see his eyes I'm reminded of the look in them just before I kissed him. Like I could see his soul, and all there was was fire. Whenever he even brushes against me I can feel him pressing into me, making me his. He knew, maybe they all knew? Maybe I was letting my mask fall, my act slip. I don't know what caused him to call me to his office. Stand just so he was imposing my personal space, in that infuriating way he does, that makes you want to reach out for him, pull him closer.

"Is this going to be an issue?" He spat. I stayed silent, I wanted him to acknowledge it, acknowledge me. I wanted him to admit what the "this" he spoke of was. I just wanted him to know that it had happened.

"Do we have to talk about it?" He asked. All I could see in his eyes were threats, and annoyance that I had let my guard down, and the team with it. I felt ashamed.

"No Sir" I whispered, focusing on the blue metal tray on his filing cabinet, training myself to close off from him. Like he can from me.

"Good" I felt him step back like a rush of oxygen to my lungs "Because Ianto, this thing is going to get big, and I need my team focused and ready".

He began to leave the room and I couldn't believe he was leaving yet another moment without remembering the kiss. In situations like this, it was all I could think about, all I couldn't forget.

"You could just tell me to go home Jack" I whispered to the blue tray, thinking my words weren't loud enough for his ears.

"What?" He stopped. I felt him turn back around, his eyes burning into my face.

"Ianto if there was any way I could to take back that evening, anything I could do to get back to how it was I would"

His words hit me like a bullet from a gun, like rays from his stun gun. I felt them rip through me, swallow my breath, interrupt the blood supply to my heart. I gritted my teeth, telling myself I was stronger than this.

"I should have just told you to go home with the others" He said, pushing a hand up through his hair. He does that sometimes, like the worlds against him, and he can't work out how to make things right. Normally it makes me yearn to protect him, to pull him close and tell him we can do it together. Then it just turned me cold.

"Well eventually you did Sir" I added the term, stipulating to myself that he was telling me he wanted me as a teaboy and nothing else.

"Is that what this is about?" He said the words slowly, like he was speaking a language he didn't yet understand.

"Ianto look at me for one God damn moment" He placed his hands on my shoulders as he said it. Placing us in the exact same position as we were when I lost myself in him. I did as instructed and saw him swallow, like he was gasping for air.

"Do you really not know why I told you to go home?"

Hours seemed to tick by as I let his question hang in the air. Maybe he hadn't realised quite how much he had bruised my pride.

"I was loosing control in you, fast. If I hadn't done something _then_, if I hadn't let you leave, I wouldn't have been able to stop myself, there would have been no turning back, it would have been it for us"

_Stupid bloody fucking Harkness_. Was all I could think. _What a stupid idiotic man? Did he really cling to the Captain title so strongly he wouldn't let anyone else make there own decisions regarding him? Even decisions of the heart._

"And you didn't think of giving me the choice?" Were my words, censored for his ears.

"If I did what would you have said? Honestly."

His blue eyes locked to mine, forcing the memories to rush through me like a wild fire starting in my mind and destroying every sense within me. I felt the need, the sense that maybe finally I wasn't alone. The feeling of being lost in him, the desire to bury myself in him, so I didn't have to be me for a small moment of time.

"Yes" I said, not able to take my eyes away from his lips. The instruments of such soul comforting safety.

He moaned, closing his eyes for a moment as he heard my answer. It touched the need in me.

"You don't know what I'm saying, I'm saying…"

"Shut up" I whispered, his words infuriating me "I'm not as naïve as you think I am Jack"

"OK, I know" He said, stepping toward me so our lips were a breaths distance apart. I could smell his taste on my lips, I would have done anything to make him close the gap.

"What am I saying?" His voice was tight, and a part of me smiled at the idea I could have effected him in such a primal manner.

"What we're both thinking. That you want us to. Oh God Jack I need you to fuck…"

"Jack I'm sorry, but we've got something you really need to take a look at" I couldn't believe Gwen had walked in on me saying that expletive, that way. So I avoided looking anywhere but her as Jack dropped his hands from my shoulders, stepping back to safer ground. He held my eye contact for a heart stopping moment, a look on his face like he was seeing a masterpiece for the first time. Focused bewilderment.

"Right yeah, I'm coming" He said turning away from me, and walking toward her. At the door he turned around.

"We finish this later".


	3. Chapter 3

Only later didn't come. The rift seemed to be overactive, ejecting things at us so many times a day that the paper work could barely get started. Normally, that would be my biggest grief, eat away at me under the surface. This week it was different, it was the way his routine flirting was effecting me that was really bothering me. I couldn't even avoid the way he made me feel when I was asleep. Every dream was filled with him, and me, and all the things he could make me do. Of course in them I was good at _it_, skilled, there was no hesitation. I shut the draw of the filing cabinet in an attempt to stop the voice of doubt. The truth is I felt lost, I couldn't carry on not getting more from him, but I didn't know what more I wanted, and I didn't know how to ask for it.

"Ianto" He leant over me, stopping me from the habitual feelings of naivety and confusion. "The others have gone home, the rift seems to have closed off, for now. You can go too, if you want"

Thinking back, I should have known he was giving me the option, to go, or to stay. So it was my choice, so he knew I wanted him. But to my self-deprecating mind it read as rejection. I closed my eyes momentarily building strength when he had left me feeling so weak. I collected my stuff together and headed for the exit, promising my wounded heart a bubble bath and a glass of red wine for company, for compensation.

Before I got to the door of the archives he was behind me, his hand on mine as I reached for the handle.

"Just so you know" He whispered, his voice so gruff my breath stopped somewhere in my oesophagus. "_This_ is later, and I don't want you to go".

He stepped back then, dropping his hand. Giving me the space to think about my next move.

As if I needed to think. I turned around and studied him. He's undeniably gorgeous, totally spell binding, strong and commanding. And sometimes, like then, he can give me this look that makes me forget about everything, focus on nothing apart from his lips.

My hands stayed flat against the door, as I pushed into him, my whole body firm against his. This kiss started off slow and gentle, as we explored the nips and contours of each others mouths. His bottom lip has this little dent at the base, like a scar, something I'll have to remember to explore in more depth. His hands ran through my hair, his fingers silkily drew over the base of my neck. He was caressing me, slow and gentle, it felt like he was worshipping me.

I felt myself smile against his lips. My lips grew tighter as his grew hungrier, his tongue exploring me.

Just the feel of his thick warm tongue on my lips got me riled, and I knew I wanted all of him. I finally let my hands touch him. I let my fingernails dig in to the taut flesh of his bicep. I felt the way he flexed underneath me, showing off the strong intensity he held in his body. My hands trailed around to his back, and felt the contour of his spine, travelled downwards.

He moaned into me as he bucked toward me. He was already so intense the taught cotton of his trousers warmed through mine. He moaned as he pulled his lips away from my own. I kept my eyes closed, now I'm not sure why, I think I was worried what he would make of the fire that beat just below the surface.

"I love the way I can feel you smile against my lips" He whispered, his voice so tight it came out more as a growl. I smirked as I realised his body was just as alight as mine. I opened my eyes, looked into his soul, and lost my grip on anything but him.

"Yeah well, I love the way you kiss"

"Good" He said, as his hands cupped my chin, pulling my lips toward his, he kept his lips just above mine so I could feel the presence of every word as he said

"Because I plan to do it very often, from now on".

I smiled again as our lips were reunited. His hands went to my hips, guiding me, and turning me around. He pulled away again, and I groaned in protest. I just wanted to loose myself in eternity with him. He stepped away, and through the lusted haze I saw him reach for the door.

"Jack where are you going?"

"Somewhere where we'll be more comfortable"

I barely suppressed a laugh as I heard his words, I suddenly felt a lot more younger and braver than him. I still had never got to a time where I had broken a kiss for fear of having sex somewhere other than a bed. I finally felt like I had the upper hand. It gave me the courage I needed to make the next move.

As he started to climb the metal stairs from the archive room, I reached around in front of him and placed my hand over his warm aching need.

"Aah" I heard him moan as I skittered my thumb across his broad length, getting to know him.

"Sit down old man" I whispered.

My mouth was next to his ear and suddenly I felt overwhelmed by the urge to bite. I reckoned that tonight was all about fulfilling urges and desires so I did. He hissed against me, quaking with need as my tongue tended to the mark I had left.

Eventually he stepped out of my grasp, sitting down on the metal step. He sat with his elbows bent over the metal step above, his feet on the metal step below. His legs astride, proudly sporting the evidence of his desire for me. I ignored the little voice that said that maybe I wasn't quite ready for this, and let my eyes trail down his body.

"Am I how you want me Ianto?" He asked. He watched me like a predator might watch its prey if they knew they had finally won.

I agreed as I knelt in between his legs. Facing toward him. I placed my hands on his thighs, my fingers teasing and testing him.

"You need to get over this desire for comfort Jack, because I plan on having you here, in the hot house, on your office desk, and" My voice lowered, as I whispered the last dream I had about him "on the autopsy table"

"Kinks already Ianto?" He asked, lowering his face toward mine "And we're only just getting started."

His lips descended on mine again as I dissolved myself in his caress. Licks, bites, and kisses. His hands were in my hair, pulling me toward me, leaning me backwards as he kissed me deeper, his tongue at the back of my mouth. His fingernails dug into my scalp, leaving marks, it only heightened my attraction to him. I wanted him like this, rough and demanding. I wanted him to take me and make me his. I didn't want enough time to think about the doubts or the consequences. I wanted him to burn the pain away.

I moaned as his lips made there way down to my throat, biting at the sensitive skin at the base of my neck, next kissing and licking, soothing me. Suddenly the smells of cinnamon and butter greeted me, it smelled good enough to eat, like home baking.

"Shit, Ianto you can't go any further, if this is going to finish, it has to finish now. There won't be any turning back" He said, his lips still tending to the mark he'd left on my neck.


	4. Chapter 4

It took me a while to work out what made him say it, his actions telling me something completely contradicting his words. And then I remembered some drunken chat he told the team about pheromones. Some fifty first century genetic invention that made him release scents at the crucial moment, letting him seal the deal. It logged on to the attractor's DNA, sensing the smell that would make them as desperate as the subject.

This time my smile reached my eyes, Jack was telling me he was loosing himself, loosing control in me, and he didn't know that I was already there. I pressed a thumb underneath his chin, I needed to look into his eyes as I told him.

"Why would I want to go back?" I whispered.

I led his hand to the evidence of my desire, catching a breath as his fingers wrapped around me "I've never felt like this before. I just want you"

His eyes turned so dark as he looked at me, registering the words. Knowing I was being sincere.

"Good" He said, placing his mouth just above my lips again, his breath was so warm against my face.

Hard desperate lips met mine again, teeth scraping at my tongue as his hand applied more pressure to my need stroking, fondling. He was so good, so good, there was a moment where I believed that this thing might not go very far at all. But then I felt his were fingers at my belt, I felt the cold wash of air tighten over my balls as he pulled down the material of my trousers, followed swiftly at my boxers.

He pulled away to look at me, I would have felt nervous, if I didn't see the blatant desire in his eyes, his pupils dilating, and feel the hiss of air he released. He pushed himself down on the step I was kneeling on. And I felt my eyes roll into the back of my head as his mouth was around me, covering my whole length in one thrust.

He moaned against me, and my legs felt weak. He placed his hands on my hips holding me in place, as his tongue and lips began their onslaught. I felt him place a finger in between my legs then, slide against my penis, and reach around to my arse. I would have been scared, if his tongue and lips weren't doing a very good job of keeping me focused on one thing. I felt his index finger push inside me, at an angle, and I bucked toward him.

I moaned, I hadn't realised quite how amazing that unexplored part of my body would feel. I felt like Jack was completing me. The smell had wrapped around me, entirely cloaking me.

_So my erotic smell is home baking?! Well at least that explains a couple of things!_

I think I must have smirked, because he swiftly pulled away from me, causing my cock to cry at the lack of attention.

"I hope you're not laughing at my technique Ianto Jones" He said, letting another finger join his index finger inside me.

"Would I?" I rasped, very surprised I actually had the strength to say anything.

"You better not" He chafed a hand against my arse, warning me.

I can't say I ever thought I'd like spanking, it always seemed that sex should be kept away from pain. But my body seemed to completely disagree as the small action caused my hips to involuntarily jerk forward, my cock coming at stop right in front of his lips.

"Don't be so impatient" He smirked, briefly opening his mouth slightly as his tongue swiped across my sensitive head.

"You're quite lucky, as it turns out, I quite like giving you head" He said swiping my throbbing member with his tongue again, licking the precum. "I like the way you taste".

He kept his eyes open and locked on mine as his mouth entirely covered me again, a third finger joining him. His fingers and lips drew the same pattern on my body as he rasped a hand against the same place on my arse. His eyes twinkling as I bucked toward him again. I don't think there can be any sight sexier than that. Jack's eyes twinkling, his jaw relaxed as he takes me all the way in. It touched the centre of me, and I craved for something a lot larger than Jack's fingers inside me.

"Jack" I said, but I had no idea how to ask for what I wanted. He knew though, he can always read me so well.

He let me out of his mouth, as he moved to sit up on the higher step. The new position caused his fingers to enter me at an unaccustomed angle and my breath stopped, I had no idea he could feel that good. He kept his fingers moving in and out of me, as he undid his trousers, exposing himself to the cool night air. I couldn't stop my eyes from trailing downward, I think I may have growled as I saw him. I had never thought of a cock as sexy before. But believe me, Jack's cock is the second most sexiest thing I have ever seen. Second to the view he was giving me earlier as his mouth was wrapped around my own member.

With one free hand, he reached in his trouser pocket, brining out a condom and a white tube. I stared as he sheathed his member with the condom. I think he must have felt me tense, as he bought his mouth to mine again to speak just above my lips.

"Don't be scared, I won't hurt you. I'd never hurt you, my Ianto"

I think he added the term so that he could feel me smile against his kiss. Whatever the reason he moaned as he felt the tightness of my lips.


	5. Chapter 5

It was amazing. After he told me to turn around, and slowly, expertly, sheathed himself inside me, he moved my head to enable him to bend toward my lips. And his lips never left mine.

I can't say it didn't hurt, he filled me completely, stretched me to the outer limits, but the pain always gave way to the most amazing sense of pleasure possible. He held me on the brink for so long, slapping my arse whenever he realised I was about to let go. I reached insanity as he rode me, I begged for my release. And loved the way his moan filled my mouth as his seed filled me.

Afterward I sat down next to him. My posture copying his, too satisfied and exhausted to move anywhere. He placed his palm on the right side of my chest just above my heart, and stayed until its beat returned to normal. After a while he turned toward me, a look on his face like the cat that got the cream.

"You OK?" He asked, looking into my eyes. "I mean, did I hurt you?"

I smiled as I realised he cared, really cared.

"It was amazing" I breathed, siding up into him, placing my chin on his chest.

"Yeah" He said bringing his lips to mine again. The kiss was slow, leisurely, it tasted of future.

"My Ianto" He repeated as I pulled away. I've got to say I really do like the term.

I lied back against the step again. But the metal jutted into me, I felt sticky and sweaty and salty. I pushed myself up walking toward the shower.

"Where are you going?" He said, immediately jumping up. He was so sweet, he looked like a little kid, scared he'd be loosing his favourite treat. I kissed away his fear, and then I realised, he may have lived decades longer than I have, centuries even, he may be more experienced than I could ever be, but if you looked at our birth dates, I'm thirty one centuries older than him.

"Just to have a shower, I'm not leaving you" I said, as I kissed him again.

"Listen, I'm not very good at this sort of thing" He began, taking my hands in each of his.

"I don't know what to say. Normally, I can just do that, and then that's it" He stuttered smirking, I knew he was remembering how perfect he felt inside me "But I don't want that to be it, not with you. This was never a one night thing Ianto, not for me, I guess that's what I'm trying to say I…"

I swallowed the rest of his words in my kiss, I'd already heard what I needed to, felt what I needed to. I was his Ianto. And he was my captain. He may be knowledgeable beyond my imagination, experienced to the point of fantasy. But I knew my feelings more than he knew his, and I was beginning to think I knew his better than he did as well.

"There's no turning back" I said the words he wanted to, kissing his forehead.

I started to walk up the stairs and then paused, turning on my heel. "Now I'm going to have a shower. You coming?"


End file.
